Andrew McCartney: The Euro Cyclist

With significant discussion as of late regarding 'Euroness' while cycling, I felt it necessary to outline the many ways that Mr. Andrew McCartney follows the divine rule of the "Euro Cyclist." He's been getting ragged on for being so Euro, so let me be the first to offer a form of praise:

(Source: OREC: The Official Rules of the Euro Cyclist)

3. The Euro Cyclist shall NEVER, under any circumstances, wear plain black spandex bibs (shorts, regardless of colour are BANNED) or ANY team kit
containing non-prominent logos. Shorts will extend approximately 2/3rds of the way down the upper leg and will contain a compression band at the bottom (distinct in colour). In NO CONDITION shall they extend any further!

4. Legs shall be SHAVED year-round. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS. Certain hair removal creams are endorsed only on a case-by-case basis. One shall never show up to a race (be it large or small) with ANY amount of stubble visible on one’s legs.

5. A prominent line where one’s kit ends and where one’s deep tan begins is essential to one's image. Artificial tanning is BANNED. The tan shall reflect the level of training commitment.

(He's got some catching up to do on that one :) )

7. Cycling shoes shall contain at least 80% white!

9. One’s bike frame shall contain between two (2) and four (4) colours IN ADDITION TO WHITE. All colours are acceptable as long as they combine tastefully and elegantly. In addition, wheel selection must also match frame and fork.

12. Ridiculously stylish eyewear (see endorsed products list) is to be worn AT ALL TIMES without exception. Glasses are to be worn over helmet straps at all times.

21. Facial hair shall be restricted to (at a maximum) a goatee, and even this is discouraged. Moustaches, beards, and any combination thereof are EXPRESSLY PROHIBITED in all instances. Stubble is, however, advisable in virtually ALL euro-situations. It is important to note that this DOES NOT apply to the legs.

24. One shall NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, associate with triathletes. This cannot be overemphasized! It is FORBIDDEN to have any number inked onto one’s body before a race.

(As you all know, he breaks this rule ALL the time, but you wouldn't know it when he's out cycling!)

34. Espresso is a NECESSITY and as such it must be consumed normale or ristretto on a patio (preferably in Italy) in full kit; All other coffee shall be brewed strong and taken BLACK.

46. When asked "how are you?" while riding one must proceed with one of the following...
i. Complain about coming off a sickness
ii. Explain that one is peaking for bigger races later in the season
iii. Mention that this is a "recovery ride"
iv. Explain that one is at the tail end of one’s daily six (6) hour training ride

I hope you all found this accurate, and informative. And GOOD LUCK to A-Mac and Austin in San Franciso!